Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
