guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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