i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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