return my video game
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
