My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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