last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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