ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
