when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
