Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
