Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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