I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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