I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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