How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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