I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
