new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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