last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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