We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
