God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
