btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think my vagina is haunted
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
