Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
