thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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