The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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