Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
