I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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