No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
