lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
