Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
