Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
did i walk over a car last night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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