sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
