at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
