I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
