I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
