Already got asked if we're dating
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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