operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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