I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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