So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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