The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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