Umm I'm too high to move.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just pee around me
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
whose parrot is this?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
