bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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