I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
