It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
