so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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