Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
