I think I won the penis lottery.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
