I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
