omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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