she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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