Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
