it wasn't lemon gatorade
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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