he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
