I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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