Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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