got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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