At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I am in a vortex of obligation.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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