We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
