Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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