she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
