Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
what day is it and did you see me today?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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