Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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