pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
