My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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