When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
