I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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