Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
